overcome sexual shame

Overcoming sexual shame and guilt

Why so we have sexual shame and guilt? Sex is an important part of life. We might not like to admit it, but we all enjoy it in some form. Better sex can improve your life. A better sex life can improve your confidence, your self-image, and your mental well-being. But if is such a powerful tool, then why do so many of us have so much shame and guilt attached to sex. 

If you’ve been looking for ways to improve your sexual intelligence, identify sources of sex stress and begin to let go of the shame around your problem, here are a few tips to get you started.

overcoming sexual shame
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Identifying sources of sex stress

Everyday stress,  how are your daily stress levels? What is causing you stress? 

Modern living causes stress and stress activates fight or flight. Its no wonder this stress , transfers over into our sex lives and reduces are libido. But most people have sex stress onto of their everyday stress. 

Sex Stress 

There are a few things to considered when trying to manage your sex stress. You can find out more about sexual wellness here .

Firstly. what’s the worst experience you’ve had with your sexual problems when stressed? Erection issue? Not being in the mood? Mind wandering?

Secondly, to reduce your sex stress ask yourself if you should you avoid some situations? The answer is most likely yes. There are some situations which cause you extra stress when working on sexual issues. 

shame and guilt sex

These might include:

Sex after an argument

Sex on a first date

One night stands

Time pressured sex 

Thirdly,  Are you good at managing your emotions? Are you good at knowing your emotions?

Men tend to be very analytical, always observing and processing things. Whereas women, can become easily distracted , inhibited or willing to have sex but not really wanting it. This can come at the cost of our emotions. Your subconscious has learnt to suppress and ignore your emotions causing internal conflict. By ignoring your emotions you can’t recognise when you’re uncomfortable or stressed until your body alerts the fight or flight system. If your penis or vulva just won’t work or get on board then there is some internal conflict happening .

Psychological Blocks for sexual shame and guilt

 A little bit of sex education here,  emotions are needed for sex. I’m not necessarily talking about love and  romance etc but any sexual encounter is started by an emotional incentive, we need to feel liked, wanted, good. Internal experience is different from your mental experience which is different from your physical experience and it’s no wonder your mind and body gets confused, it’s all too much.

Emotional tension gets stored in the body. They get trapped in muscle tension, stress chemicals, or hormones like cortisol, and we carry them around with us and try not to think about them. The three key areas in the body that have the potential to be most affected by emotional forces are the pelvic floor, the diaphragm, and the jaw. There are lots of ways to release these emotional blocks of sexual shame and one of these ways is to stimulate the vagus nerve.

What is the Vagus Nerve?

The vagus nerve, also known as the vagal nerves, are the main nerves of your parasympathetic nervous system. This system controls specific body functions such as your digestion, heart rate and immune system. These functions are involuntary, meaning you can’t consciously control them.

How can you stimulate your vagus nerve to release sexual shame and guilt?

 Here is a very simple but effective vagus nerve calibration. Turn your head in one direction, until you feel tension, then drop your gaze down , breathe and let yourself feel while keeping tension in your neck as much as possible. Wait until you swallow, sign deeply or feel the tension in your next release. Then repeat on the other side. This simple exercise get the mind and body working together as a whole, releasing any stored emotional blocks of sexual shame and guilt. You can watch Helen Birch demonstrate how to stimulate your vagus nerve here


Many women, regardless of their background, have some form of shame and fear attached to sex and sexual pleasure. Society tells men and women how they should behave when it comes to desire. Women are still taught that their sexuality is bad and that feeling or being sexual is something to be ashamed of. Any sex education at school was around contraception, periods, and STIs. There is no discussion of pleasure and enjoyment. By focusing sex solely on reproduction rather than pleasure, shame has become internalised and reinforced generation after generation.

For men sexual shame comes mainly in the form of not being able to perform as a man is supposed to. Most men with ED will experience shame at some point. But shame is more than simple embarrassment and it needs to be confronted before you can overcome your ED issues. 

How does shame feel?

Feelings send us info and when we don’t do anything with that information it can build up in different ways. To manage these feelings of shame we need to build the connection between the body and mind. When you feel the feelings of sexual shame, locate where those feelings are in your body and how would you describe it. Then use vagus nerve calibration. 

The vagus nerve can be reset to release the feelings and stimulate the rest and digest system, which is essential for sexual arousal. Shame around sex can be complex. It can include isolation, being self critical, addicted to being busy , annoyed with others.

Do you treat yourself badly when sex doesn’t go to plan?  Do you treat other people badly when sex doesn’t go to plan? 

The cycle of shame 

It’s normal to feel sexual shame with sexual issues and this shame can affect how we behave in all areas of our lives. We might be angry, withdraw from others, or distract ourselves with work. These behaviours can create even more shame and negative self talk. These behaviours then show back up in our sexual performance. Creating the cycle of shame .A person may begin to feel they deserve to feel bad about themselves. This leads them to being further critical about themselves for things they do. The more critical we are about ourselves, the more the body goes into fight or flight mode inhibiting our sexual desire, Resulting in unsatisfactory sexual experiences leading to more shame.

Sharing the feelings of shame can limit the power it has over you. Talking to your partner, a friend or a therapist interrupts the loop of erection and sexual  issues, shame and negative behaviours.

Have you talked about how your sexual issues make you feel with a partner?

While the experiences of men and women can never be explicitly comparable, they are both susceptible to change. Countering the stigma, increasing sex positivity, and challenging the definition can reduce the shame around sexual desire and issues. Foreplay, equality in the orgasm gap, communication, and reconnection as ways to counter the imbalance.

When it comes to foreplay, men and women need to be turning the brain on. To improve quality and satisfaction, arousal needs to move beyond the genitals. Getting the brain on board primes the body for sexual pleasure and gets the blood moving around the body to the parts responsible for pleasure, such as the pelvic floor.

Foreplay puts pleasure as the focus rather than orgasms or penetration. Taking your time, igniting all the nerve endings in the body allows the mind and body to connect and awakens the brain to the idea of sex.

Communication in all relationships is key, considering nothing will improve if we don’t talk to each other. We can’t read our partner’s mind. Talk about what works and does not work, and work together instead of blaming the other. It’s not selfish to want pleasure. It’s fair. Communication is especially important to narrow the shame and guilt.

This which can intensify your sexual shame is secrecy, silence and judgement. Allowing it to sit in your mind, the shame will only serve to continually feed the existing beliefs about how rubbish you are, how unlovable you are, how much of a bad person you are. Left unresolved, toxic shame can often be the cause of a multitude of mental health issues including the likes of addiction, self-alienation and isolation, co-dependency, borderline personality and uncontrollable anger and rage. If shameful feelings go on for too long and are not dealt with, they become counterproductive. Instead of making us better, they keep us in a negative cycle of shame , guilt and anxiety. 

Hypnotherapy can help you Let Go of Sexual Shame and guilt

Hypnotherapy is a powerful tool to help you let go of feelings of sexual shame. The first step in overcoming shame is to recognize that you don’t want to hold onto the feelings of shame. The second step is to take action to let go of the shame. Hypnotherapy can be very effective in helping you to accomplish both of these goals. First, hypnotherapy will allow you to see that the shame is not helping you. You can then start to turn your attention to what you do want and the steps needed to get there.

It will help you to Let go emotional baggage’s and blocks and sexual encounters

Cutting ties- release connections from the past and current connections .

Handle negative thoughts 

stop seeing life in such black and white terms

Reconnect the body and mind. I hope you enjoyed our article about how to use hypnotherapy to let go of shame. With this knowledge, I know that you can make the most of your hypnotherapy sessions and focus on letting go of things that no longer serve you. So what are you waiting for? Contact me today at www.hypnosisinyorkshire.com

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